For most of us, music is an integral part of any wedding, funeral or other ceremony. Music suspends time and can influence collective emotions. It takes us out of an everyday space. Ceremony and music go hand in hand across history, across religions, across cultures.
Some songs will instantly bring back a specific time and place in our lives. We remember music from school assemblies decades after we left school. We can spend happy hours planning for the ideal music for a baby naming ceremony, or a wedding. The song that you walk down the aisle to, or your first dance as a married couple – they will always be special and carry a meaning to you.
But have you considered the music that you would want at your funeral? Most of us don’t think about it – after all, most of us don’t plan on dying for a good long time! But the unexpected does happen.
One of the things I’ve noticed when talking to families about a funeral that they are having to arrange is that there is a lot of worry about music choices. It’s not so much about choosing the perfect bit of music, but not wanting to get it wrong. If people have time to plan, they can make their choices known ahead of time. That takes a lot of pressure off.
When I trained as a celebrant, I hadn’t ever considered my funeral music. I’ve since talked it over with my family and it’s led to some great discussions. I’ve learned a lot about people from their music choices. Some people have very strong opinions. Some people are genuinely not that bothered. Either way, knowing that makes the job of arranging a funeral or memorial much easier. My mum has specified ‘Always look on the bright side of life‘ by Month Python as her only request. That means that – hopefully a long time in the future – we will be able to choose other songs that are meaningful to us for her funeral, without worrying that we will make the ‘wrong’ choice for her.
The thing I’ve found, having these discussions is that your choices don’t have to be final. They can constantly evolve. It’s been a curiously life affirming discussion. The songs you choose don’t have to be forever favourites – one of my songs is one that I found while compiling a Spotify playlist. It’s a short choral piece, and although it has religious connections that don’t resonate with me, it’s just the most amazing waterfall of sound that makes me cry when I hear it. And yes, I want people to cry at my funeral, especially if it came soon. That would be really sad – I would want everyone to have a good cathartic bawl!
So, if you’ve never considered your funeral songs, I’d encourage you to have a think. At worse, you’ll get to listen to some songs that you might not have heard for ages! The songs you chose don’t have to be profound or have any deep meaning – unless that’s how you relate to music. You want to choose 3 or 4 pieces, and ideally don’t choose (like my uncle has) a 20 minute prog rock piece unless you are happy to have it cut very much shorter!
For posterity, my current choices are:
The air that I breathe – Simply Red (first dance at our wedding!)
A Gealic Blessing – John Rutter, The Cambridge Singers
The Sound of Silence – Disturbed (darker, more raw version than the original)
Have you thought about your choices? What are they?
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